good mom

i dropped merritt off at daycare this morning as i have done for the past three months.  she didn't cry.  she didn't start playing. she didn't wave. she didn't protest.  she has done all of those other days, but today she just stared at me.  i closed the door and started to leave and she kept staring through the window.  what is she thinking???? betrayal:  how could you leave me? confusion: why do i keep coming to this place? tolerance: i hate it here but i know you will come back in a few hours. disgust: i will be coming home in a few hours and i will be bringing home more germs with me, different than the ones I brought home on Monday.

i have so much work to do but some days i wonder if i should be working.  mom guilt is thick and heavy and it sticks to everything.  syrup.  this afternoon i stopped doing all the things that need to be done to play with my kids, but it never feels like enough- for me or for them.  and there is always so much other stuff to do.  and why do we have to eat every single day?  three times a day!!! there is always another meal to start working on.  should we stay at the park longer? of course; it is so nice out.  but then dinner will be late and the rest of the evening will disintegrate. i get annoyed at all "those" mom who can make dinner at eight in the morning.  there is something wrong about chopping onions while you are still drinking coffee.  but while we are playing at the park i was wishing i had something already cooking in the oven.  constant decisions and choices, and i always make the wrong one.  there is so much guilt and regret and should/could/would haves in hindsight.

i'm working on going to bed and getting up the next day with no regrets of what should have been done or could have been done differently the day before.  but how do you do that when you work from  home and your work is sitting there, undone and lying there just around the corner, calling my name in the darkness.  kaaaaaaaattttttttteeeeeeeeeeee, come get me.  you know this person is frustrated that their taxes aren't done yet. kaaaateeeeeeeeeeee, how could you be so selfish as to sleep when you haven't finished this yet?

working at home (and trying to act professional), i feel like i need to be on call 24 hours a day.  of course, i also feel like i need to be mom 24 hours a day.  being an accountant i know that equals 48 hours in one day. which doesn't work out so well on a daily basis.  i try to have boundaries and definition as to when it is work time and when it is mom time, but it is so blurred.  that's probably a discussion for another day...
three more weeks until april 15th!