rocks

so i honestly wonder what it is going to be like to have a kid that we did not make and carry and birth and feed every second of the kid's life.  i know that is natural to question but i do wonder how that will feel once we have all "adjusted" to being our family of four plus one.  (hopefully it will feel like a family of 5)  of course it will but still...  we (the two kids and i) walked down the block the other day to meet a new neighbor and say hi.  we did that and then we were going to go to the park down the street.  but, as it so often happens, we (thing 1 and thing 2 and i) got distracted by rocks. (fortunately they were both distracted by these rocks)  there was nothing special about the location or the type of these rocks.  it was just a pile of rocks near some new construction.  i started to tell them we should get going to the park.  but then i stopped myself.  i wanted to get them to the park so they could play but they were doing just fine playing with rocks.  so i sat down to watch and be the recipient of rock rain and rock soup and rock treasures.  i have been working so much lately and it was so nice to just sit there and watch and participate instead of rushing to go on to the next thing.  most likely i was just tired and i tend to be more emotional (we all do i'm sure) when i am tired, but i also tend to be more reflective when we have these little breaks from busyness.  it was so welcome and nice to just watch them.  but then i started to wonder if i will feel exactly the same watching an adopted kid play with plain old boring rocks as i do with my biological kids.  they were dumping rocks into my hands and my heart was exploding. will my heart explode when our adopted kid wants to be chased by us, when they want to hold our hand, when they dump rocks into a pile?  logically i know it will feel the same, or at least it will eventually feel the same and i will get the same heart strings tugged on by crooked smiles and silly questions.  but how long before it will feel like that?  and will i have to force it?  tell myself that it is the same?  i'm sure i won't, but i still know that my biological children are wonderful and beautiful and frustrating and discouraging.  they can break my heart and make my heart in the span of two seconds.  when our neighbor kids plays with rocks it doesn't seem quite as adorable or endearing- my kids are perfect to me (well, you know what i mean).  i guess i know deep down that my heart is just going to get bigger and i will love watching all three equally marvelous children make rock soup and rock rain.