catching up

we have a lot to go over- whoever you are reading this right now.  

first- since this is our "adoption blog" i will outline some of the adoption developments.  (don't get excited)

october- we get a referral of a four-year old girl.  we start making bunk beds and figuring out car seating arrangements.  and we spend lots of money for the right to do this. 
november- get picture updates of the girl
december- picture updates
january- picture update and a new case worker.  our first conversation with this new caseworker is a phone call telling us that our future daughter's biological father came back to get her at the orphanage.  we are stunned.  at the deepest level we are really hopeful this is great for both of them.  likely this girl will remember her father and hopefully was extremely happy to see him.  the fallout for us is this: we are back to square one minus the $10,500 we paid for this referral.  we have lots of mixed emotions and lots of complications with moving forward such as needing to pay the large referral fee again, suspension on DRC adoptions, and our agency announcing they will no longer take on any new DRC adoptions, etc.  we feel confused and skeptical about this whole process.  then, literally the next day, my brother and his wife get a call from a foster care agency offering them a brand new baby and financial assistance to care for this baby.  they think it over and say yes and within a week have a new baby at their house.  we wonder more and more why we are working so hard, waiting so long (five years now) and spending so much money to now find ourselves no closer than when we started.  to top this all off, all of our documents are expiring- all of them.  our home study expires.  our fingerprints expire.  all of our background checks, marriage certificates, birth certificates, doctor's letters, etc. are expiring.  they are all dated and they are all notarized with a date.  so there is a double expiration date on each document. we are weary and confused and struggling to reconcile our desires and our reality.  
february- tax season hits full swing.  and i also start a new job at the worst time possible to start a new job.  but it seemed like a good opportunity, especially for the long-term so we decided we would struggle through the next two months and hope for the best.  
march- tax season hits harder than i remembered.  new job is more intense and consuming than i envisioned. we are stretched beyond our flexibility.  trying hard to work every minute and be a mom and clean the house and make dinner and return e-mails and phone calls and more e-mails and keep appointments and put gas in the car and get lunches made and sleep. give up on sleep.  then we get the phone call from our new caseworker.  she asks how we are doing and what we are thinking and seems ready to end the call.  i tell her we're confused, tired, and overworked at the moment.  as an afterthought, i ask her if she called for a reason and she says yes. hold on a second.  i ask if she has a child?  she says yes.  a one-year old.  i lose my breath.  i regain it.  i tell her i will talk to my husband who i have barely talked to or seen since early february.  we talk rationally and logically and concisely and decide there is no way we can spend more money until, at the very least, this DRC suspension is lifted.  there is too much upheaval and chaos surrounding adoption in the DRC and we can't responsibly throw more money into the winds of the Congo adoption process.  it seems like the only rational decision to make.  the next day is when it hits on an emotional level  we just said no to a one-year old baby that could possibly come live with us and be our child.  this is exactly what we so desired to do four years ago and now we just said no.  we think we made a wise decision and we feel like we would say that again given the current circumstances, but that next day was so hard.  this is what we wanted so badly and felt so strongly and we just said no.  

so here we are.  back in familiar territory- the way too familiar "on hold" status.  

second- here is our favorite sledding hill.  we hit the slopes of this hill as often as we could this winter.