Getting Good at Bad Parenting

Parenting....has anyone figured it out?  There are millions of books that talk about how to be a good parent, but where are they?  Katy and I still haven't found the perfect one for us.  We must be looking in the wrong places or maybe our library didn't account for our personalities.

Maybe it is the activities we choose, such as taking our kids out in public.  Who knew that going to the grocery store was such a hard thing to do?  Consider this common occurence for us at the grocery store, plus or minus the millions of items in the grocery store: It is cold out so we go to the grocery store to get out of the house and get some activity to burn off some energy.  (Context - no riding in the cart)  It all goes well until we get into the store.  "No Merritt, we have to pay for those things. Please don't pull the wrapper off.  Oh, you already did.  OK, can you put it back on the shelf?  (OK, let's see if we can hide this behind some other candy bars...after all, you didn't eat it yet...or maybe you did.  Why is there chocolate on your face?  I could go tell someone, but at this point the effort to get both kids up to the front with my basket of groceries....its not worth it).  No Merritt....I know it seems fun to knock all those cans of soup off the shelf and drop apples on the floor, but we need to pick those up.  Ah, where is the condensed milk?  I work with computers, when will someone put a "Control F" in each aisle? No Merritt, not the bulk section!  No, please don't stick your hands in there!  No I was serious!  Ah, yes that is my kid.  Yes, I know she is not supposed to put her hand there. Yes I have her under my control.  No, she is not lost.  Yes, I'm trying.  Stimson, can you come back here?  Yes, we are about ready to leave.  You have to go to the bathroom?  Can you hold it, we are on the complete other side of the store from the bathroom.  OK, let's put our stuff down right here and run to the bathroom quick.  OK, come on Merritt.  Yes, Merritt, we need to go this way....Stimson has to go to the bathroom.  OK, are you about done Stimson?  No Merritt, don't touch that!  We are in a bathroom!  Can you just wait?  OK, we have to go find our stuff now.  Here it is.  Ready to go?  Oh no, Katy just texted me.  We need something else on the other side of the store.  No Merritt, please don't pull the price tags off the shelves!  C'mon, we need to go now.  We need to get home to eat.  Please don't scream and lay on the floor!  OK, we are leaving without you then.  You can lay on the floor if you want.  Yes, she is my child.  I see her, yes we are not leaving her really." ....Breathe.....

OK, let's go back to the house and stay inside where people don't see how messed up our parenting is.  It is then that I flash back to the days when I was just barely married.  You know...the days when you are the best husband and marriage is so easy...oh yeah, taht was because we were still on your honeymoon.  Shortly after that period is when you become the best parent.  My wife and I were thinking about having kids.  It was at that point that we were the best parents ever.  We should have written a book then.  It was so easy - we could look at other parents and talk about how our kids would never do that.  We could provide advice.  Our kid wwill never cry when he trips....our kid won't talk that way....our kid will not throw a fit in the middle of a store....our kid will say please and thank you.....our kid will eat all of his food and be grateful for my 50+ hours of work each week.....our kid will nap....It was all so easy because we were the perfect parents and best of all we had the time because we DIDN'T HAVE KIDS!

Things got messed up once we had kids.  However, it wasn't right away.  The first year with Stimson, our kid was perfect.  He didn't talk back.  He smiled.  He ate everything in front of him and more.  Then he turned 2.  And if that wasn't enough, we had another kid who also turned 2 and will be 2 for several more months.  That same girl also decided napping wasn't for her at the age of 2.  Because of that, we have learned that we should not go out in public from about 3p-6p....the time that we count down the minutes before bedtime for our napless girl.  As we have written.... we are awaiting a 3rd child.  We can romanticize how we will be the perfect parents for this girl from the Congo.  The reality is that we have a whole new set of challenges that will accompany that.  It's now that we have realized our parenting skills would have thrived had we not decided to have kids.  If we had thrived at parenting, we could be spending our nights sitting around the table eating ALL of our food and then post videos and pictures on social networking sites so everyone could "Like" our parenting.  We could begin writing our first book.

We are still learning how to be good parents.....we get glimpses all the time. Don't judge us if you meet us in the middle of an aisle at the grocery store.  Just know we are trying.  Back to learning how to be a good parent as we prepare to add a third to the chaos.

Christmas in the First World

Merry Christmas!

We have enjoyed writing sporadically in this thing we call a blog to document our thoughts about adoption - primarily to create an electronic journal of sorts that we can share mostly with ourselves and with immediate family.  Our hearts have been tugged in many different directions this year and that is what we make time to write about here. This edition will be a little longer than a blog should be (so I hear) as it will be our version of a Christmas letter. With that said, here we go.  If you stop reading here and check out the pictures below, enjoy.  If you read on further, take these thoughts as simply that.....thoughts about random topics....thoughts about issues that have begged our attention this past year.

This year has been a busy year for us. Sounds like a sentence from the Christmas letter template.  I notice that same sentence in all the letters I have read thus far.  This is not a knock on you, if you just wrote that.  Just sayin...it was a hectic year that has only since slowed down a bit the last couple of weeks. Katy continues to amaze me as she seemingly has 3 full-time jobs - full-time mom, self-employed accountant, and always toying with the idea of making muffins and cookies full time with one of her friends.

Our oldest son Stimson is about to turn 6.  He started Kindergarten this year and loves it.  I guess if he hated it, I probably wouldn't tell you.  He fits the description of a first child - responsible, caring, and nurturing. Fortunately, he has also filled the role of parent with Merritt when the front line support (Katy and I) get overpowered (which is often).  He is often more effective with Merritt than us.

Our daughter Merritt is 2 now and she loves anything Stimson does.  She is the spunky side of the family.  Since she enjoys following Stimson around and copying everything he does, we are hoping he will be able to raise her well.  We certainly have no control over her these days.  If you live in Bozeman and shop some of the same places we do, I'm sure you have seen her sprawled out on the floor (not sleeping)....more of the 'all-out fit' variety with absolutely no room for negotiation.  If you had a pet pig and took him to a store and that pet got a little out of control, consider what it would be like carrying that pet back to your car. This is what we are familiar with when we take Merritt out in public. While it is usually embarrassing, we have mellowed a bit as parents and frequently take pictures of the fits, despite the looks of horror from onlookers. We have yet to find any of the onlookers who are willing to partner with us in this parenting gig.  Let's just say we are not worried about her making a plan for her life...she usually knows exactly what she wants and does it. She does have control over me when she tilts her head and say "Hug and Kiss Dada".

We have kept busy as a family with the typical things that have characterized us for a few years now - marathons, biking around town, hiking, camping, backpacking, walking, generally being outdoors, and skipping naps.

We also moved forward on trying to adopt a child within the last 18 months.  I won't explain that decision here.  You will have to skim through our blogs to catch that story.  Yes, adopting sounds noble and you can clap for us if you want.  In all honesty though, we are excited, worried, frustrated, sad, overwhelmed, and frankly uncertain about our adoption adventures. It has been a long road already.  Why not stop at the 2.2 kids that we have you ask, if you include Kippa (in the picture with Merritt), since our family fits the profile of the average American family? Our hearts have wrestled with many of what has been frequently referred to as "First World" problems.

"First World" problems?  What do you mean?  Let's consider some of these problems in a typical day for many of us, (embellished a bit and meant to prove a point....not necessarily characteristic of us)....Problems, problems, problems - I was thinking about this recently when I had to fly for work. When I fly on Delta, my ticket always says Zone 3.  Just once, I want to fly Zone 1 and get on first and get off first.  Is it really that nice to get on and sit an extra 15 minutes only to find that you want to stand up and get off? Problems.  Sometimes we find out that our plane is delayed and we have to wait an extra hour to fly to some tropical place.  It gets worse when we finally sit down on the plane and the person in front of us reclines their seat in an already crowded airplane.  On this same trip, I sat next to someone who was obviously irritated at that same thing and proceeded to "accidentally" fidget by punching and kicking the seat in front of her to prove a point.  Problems. Going to a place like Costco.  Its like parking at a football game where people say they are number one but use their longest finger to show it.....only because someone took their spot in the front.  They park in the back and end up walking 40 extra feet.  We get inside the store and purchase what is probably enough food for a full year for many people (for us it always seems to run out in a week).  The lines are frustratingly long....why don't they hire more people so we don't have to wait so long.  Problems.    Thank goodness for smart phones where we can post all of our urgent problems on Twitter and Facebook, while driving or while interacting with friends and family....because it would be a problem to have to wait.  "First World" problems....if you have kids, you may have heard this phrase "This is the worst day of my life".

This brings me back to adoption.  What has tugged at our hearts the past couple of years is bigger than the First World problems.  What has tugged at our hearts are real problems.  Pain, hunger, abuse, disease, alone, sex trafficking and many other injustices of our world. Those are problems....

This leads me to the last part of our family.  This year, we stumbled into a girl from the Congo whose mom died when she was 6 months old.  Problems. Her dad was too destitute to take care of her so he left her on the streets or on the front step of an orphanage. Too destitute to "leave" her?  Problems.  While we did not meet this person face to face, we read about her in our comfortable, warm, and rich country.  She is roughly 3-4 years old. She lacks the normalcy many of us have.  She survives on a fraction of food that we eat a day.  She doesn't know what it means to have parents.  She doesn't have the rooms full of toys that kids in our country have to play with.  She doesn't go to gymnastics, dance class, ski lessons, and ballet.  She doesn't go to the park and play.  She is stuck in an orphanage, waiting to be loved.  She has a frightening past that is unknown to most.  She doesn't know what it feels like to be hugged, loved, put to bed, comforted when she is scared, or held to feel safe.  She doesn't share that excitement Christmas morning when there are multiple presents under the tree for her.  Problems. That girl, we found out, is likely our daughter.  (More on that later) This is why the first world problems of our country tug at our heart.

I didn't promise this to be your average Christmas letter.  Yes we are busy and yes our kids are cute (in the eyes of the parents).  Our family and adoption continue to make life complicated. This is just a little of what is going on with us. Wherever you are, we hope you are doing well and enjoy the holiday season.

Merry Christmas from our family!

to infinity and beyond...

i think i used to enjoy flying.  as a young child, it used to be exciting.  as an adult, it used to be relaxing.  now flying with kids and in the age of airport security is something akin to torture.  it feels like tsa security personnel and airline ticket agents and the airport parking experience bring out the very worst in me.  i have no tolerance for stupidity, no patience for lines, no allowance for senseless rules, and no permissiveness for rudeness (do i really need to have my bag measured again by a non-personality?).  and this is before we even get to our aircraft.  en route to our gate in never-never land, there are thousands of tsa agents fixated on carefully and accurately ensuring my son's shoes do not contain a firearm and my daughter's smoothie is not a green spinach explosive device.  it takes hours to get through security after putting each item through: shoe number one, shoe number two, coat, laptop, liquids, gels, suitcase number one, suitcase number two, blankie number one, blankie number two, kippa (merritt with many tears while i am desperately explaining why kippa is going into a mysterious tunnel and taking my shoes off at the same time and telling stimson why we have to walk through the security gate one at a time), and on and on.  is this really necessary?  do we actually live in a modern, civilized, and intelligent county?  my bags had to be checked for size restrictions no less that five times in the long and perilous journey to gate D1001.  we finally find our gate to discover not only has there been a gate change to D34, but also a sliiiiiiiiiiiiight time delay setting us back a few hours.  no big deal, except for the fact that i need to keep track of two young kids, two backpacks, two suitcases, and kippa, and make it all fun and entertaining at the same time.  we wander around lugging everything with us and eventually (finally!) head back to D34.  the uber-rich elite board first so every other common-folk passenger can walk past their smugness one by one.  next it is those requiring special assistance.  since we qualify for special assistance, my big question...  should we board first?  or last?  get organized right away or put off the fact that we will be cramped into a couple of small seats for hours with no end in sight?  i go with sooner rather than later just so we can be sure to get a piece of the overhead bins.  i realize items may tend to shift in landing and takeoff, but being the adventurous type that i am, i decide it is worth the risk.  we get buckled and settled in,and then the real question surfaces: how long can i stretch out lunch on this unending flight?  and who is going to be the lucky contestant that gets to sit next to us?  we ended up getting a very large person (perfect), an impatient passenger, and a nauseous person.  great.  all of those are outstanding when you get to sit next to two very busy kids.  stimson talked loud the whole flight because he had head phones on.  (funny to me, but apparently not as funny to impatient passenger)(i should also add stimson talks a LOT).  merritt pretended she was a puppy and wiggled and kicked and jumped THE ENTIRE FLIGHT.  not exaggerating.  somehow we made it to minneapolis and i promise we did not unbuckle our seat belts until the plane was completely stopped at the gate and the captain had turned off the fasten seat belts sign.  (that is not to say we actually had them buckled in the first place though...)  flying feels like an exercise in following and contorting to stupid rules and i have no tolerance or time for silly, insulting, pointless rules.

minnesota was fun and way too fast...

and all too soon we were on our way back to bozeman.  on the way back, late at night and for a brief time, both my children were sleeping on my lap.  it went from a very difficult experience to a dream come true.  peaceful.  thinking again about how to fit in a third child and what that will look like and when and how and why.  no answers.  suddenly the lights come on and the captain turns on the fasten seat belt sign again.  whew.  so glad someone is looking out for me.  but not the steward ("person taking care of us for the evening")  he says i have to have my son sit up.  !  i had assumed everyone knew the ultimate moral code in the universe is NEVER WAKE A SLEEPING BABY!  apparently he felt that sitting up in his seat 30 minutes prior to landing was more important than my baby being able to sleep.  i growled and told him i would take care of it.  many hours later we finally landed.  found a ride home and on the way got pulled over by a cop.  the cop came up to our car, saw our sleeping children and proceeded to whisper, yes he whispered! that our tail light was out and said have a good night.  a complete reversal of every person i encountered in our airline experience.  i love montana.

Report Card

we are two and a half weeks into school and our new routine.  it doesn't seem very "routine" yet, but it is going well overall.  all of the other cute and calm and on-time moms look at me strangely in the mornings when we all swarm the school with our precious kindergartners. (some more precious than others)  and i can tell they know: they know that i am not perfect.  they know i don't use a hair dryer.  they know that i lost my patience that morning.  they know my kitchen is a mess.  they know stimson did not have a gluten-free breakfast.  they know i don't have dinner made yet.  they know we didn't follow every bike safety rule. what they don't know is that my son eats a spinach salad every day for lunch.  (of his own volition) them: 7, me: 1.

stimson was nervous for about one day, until he realized his two best friends were in his class: the twin girls across the alley.  he settled right in and seems to be enjoying it.  i still don't know what he does all day, but whatever it is, he comes home happy.

merritt is liking her school too.  (two days a week) she seems proud that she has a "school" to go to since stimson goes to one.  stimson told me to tell her teachers that her name is "sweet pea" because she doesn't know her real name is merritt.  sweet pea turned two on sunday and she got a doll that has become her second best friend (next to stimson).  she named her kippa and they do everything together, even though kippa is usually upside-down, hanging by her toe.  

and now back to our regularly-scheduled adoption blog.  we have updated our home study to say that we are open to adopting a child in the age range of a new baby through five years of age.  so... it will be possible that we adopt an older child.  of course this little change is a long, paperwork-filled process.  As such, kippa will remain the youngest in our family for now.

a tale of two families

family #1- 
this family has a mom and a dad and two beautiful children.  the mom stays at home to take care of her precious children.  she treasures her time at home with her children and considers the days and weeks go by too fast.  on most days, she rises before dawn to go on a run and greet the sun as it begins to rise.  she comes back full of energy and ideas for the coming day.  she plans out each day to be full of play time and fun activities that are educational and developmental.  her children eat healthy and get lots of physical activity during the day.  the mom adores her children and she has great love for them.  her children are energetic and well-behaved.  when the dad is done working each day, he comes home and kisses and hugs everyone.  he plays with the children while the mom makes dinner.  they eat together and the kids go to bed a short time later.  the mom and the dad have a quiet evening to clean up the house and get ready for the next day.  after the kids are sleeping, the mom often reflects on the day and how much she loves her family.  this family is planning on adopting a child from the congo.  the parents are very excited to welcome another child into their family and they are anxiously awaiting a referral.

family #2-
this family also has a mom and a dad and two kids.  the mom stays at home to take care of the kids and she also tries to work at home.  she is often tired and exhausted from trying (and failing) to balance work and kids and cooking and cleaning and phone calls and emails and lunches and toys and dust and friends and checking accounts.  she gets up early to plod jog, but it is never early enough to get back and get everything done.  sometimes the sun is rising while she is running but it shines right in her eyes and makes it harder to see where she is going.  the time she spends with her kids goes fast, but some days not fast enough.  this mom feels like she is inferior to all the super moms that can maintain manicures and conduct craft time and braid their daughters' hair and cook a multi-step dinner requiring lots of pots.  this mom has very little crafting abilities (and by that i mean none).  occasionally, she will fold a piece of paper in half to make a card.  on super-crafty days (and by that i mean one time), the folded piece of paper got a sticker.  most days she feels like she is running around desperately trying to get something (anything!) done and do entertaining things with the kids all the while keeping on top of work meetings and tasks and phone calls and emails and deadlines.  many days she feels like she is cracking into millions of pieces.  when five-something finally rolls around and the dad shows up, she starts unloading on him or just plain crying and hands off the kids.  she begins to stare at the messy countertop waiting for dinner to assemble and cook itself, wanting/hoping and eventually discarding the idea of going to pick up some food in non-washable disposable containers.  somehow dinner comes together, usually with the kitchen looking like it got attacked by monkeys.  the kids go to bed and the chaos continues- endless dishes, dust, and deadlines.  it is a race to get everything picked up so she can begin to work and get as much done in the evening as quickly as possible.  before enough work is done, it is time to make lunches and set stuff out for the next morning.  the mom then plans how she can multi-task as many things as possible the next day so as to get stuff done while entertaining the kids at the same time.  most of the time it ends up being a list of everything that did not get done during the day and once again has been pushed off to the next day.  she goes to bed exhausted.  she decides when to set her alarm so she can run again and have strength and energy to try and juggle it all again.  after everyone is sleeping, the mom often reflects on what she wishes she had done differently- playing more with her son, having more patience with her daughter, not being in a hurry the whole day, and ignoring her never-ending, always-present list of work and things to do.  this family is also trying to adopt a child from the congo.  they are in the referral phase, but when people ask about their progress in the adoption process, they reply they are in the "discouraged" phase where it seems like nothing is happening. 

this is the same family.

huckleberries

there is so much circling around in my head, but i don't have the appropriate words or mental capacity to get them in writing.  my mood ( attitude?) changes from second to second.  no big news here, but...school is looming.  i have two weeks left with stimson until he starts school.  i am sad, excited, sentimental, tired, hopeful, and anxious.  wondering, fretting, dreaming, questioning, and anticipating.  it feels like such a big step.  it seems so different this year because  he is going out in the big world.  he is starting his academic career.  he is going to be exposed to snacks that comes in boxes, cartoon characters, and mean kids.  and i know the day is coming where i will not be his best friend anymore.  merritt will miss having stimson around, although i am hopeful there will be less squawking during the day.  i can't say i will miss the frequent antagonizing, but i will miss many other things.  i will miss my helper, my salad eater, my chore buddy, my translator, my story reader, and my question man.  (today: mom... do ants make any noise at all?)

it is difficult and wonderful watching stimson grow up.  some things seem like they came so suddenly.  he goes in public bathrooms by himself, he is asking when he can drive, he wants to pay for things himself,
he takes care of merritt, he uses superlatives to describe everything, he can go on an airplane by himself.  still waiting on other things: not crying like he is on the verge of death every time he gets a scrape, tall enough to wash dishes, watching his sister so we can leave the house and moving on from curious george (for the life of me, i cannot understand why the man with the yellow hat is constantly leaving).

but there is a part of me that cannot wait for school to start.  my patience ran out mid-july.  my ambition ran out shortly after, and my sleep deprivation is hitting record highs.  i am tired.  i am tired of trying wishing i could get stuff done during the day.  and then doing that stuff in the evenings instead.  i am ready to have more time to work, time to breathe, time to think. i am hopeful this will happen some day.  even if it is decades from now.  i need groceries, but i need to clean the fridge before i fill it up.  and i need to make a grocery list.  i need to think about what to make before i can make a grocery list.   i need to look through recipes before i know what to make.  and i want to invite someone over to eat but i need to look at recipes so i can think about what to make so i can make a list and clean my fridge and go to the grocery store.  all of this takes minutes and i have only seconds.

in all the hectic-ness of summer, there have been many enjoyable moments.  this week i took the kids huckleberry hunting.  we headed up a trail with merritt leading the way.  at one year old, she is a fierce little hiker.  (for about ten minutes)  we searched for huckleberries and merritt kept asking about the orange berries.  it is hard to explain to a one-year old why some berries are delicious and some are destructive.  we made little progress on the trail or in our huckleberry buckets. but there were lots of rocks and sticks along the way.  normally we have a pretty lofty agenda when we are hiking concerning how far and how long we will be hiking.  but i didn't have any plan for miles today.  we climbed rocks, poked sticks in the dirt and balanced on logs.  it was nothing at all as far and hiking and huckleberries are concerned, but it was wonderful and memorable in all other respects.  we turned around at no particular place at all and headed back to the car with no rushing at all, which was really nice and really weird. (have you seen the article from the huffington post about the mom who decided to quit hurrying?  is she going to come back to earth anytime soon???)  five paces minutes from the start of the trail we found one beautiful huckleberry.  success!

there was a river near the start of the hike and we played in the water there for a long time.  peaceful.  i couldn't exactly say why this hike was so enjoyable for all of us.  and then i realized why: my phone had no reception and i had left it in the car and there were no people around to look at.  it is so funny and frustrating to me how distracting those two things are.  i don't even realize it until they are absent.  when we are back in the real world it is almost impossible to just focus on your kids and not be concerned with other people coming and going all around us.  i have tried and tried.  but it is just not happening.  there were very few people on the trail and i didn't know them anyway.  oh such freedom.

on our way back, my phone came back to life.  beep, beep, ring, beep, blood pressure escalating.  trying to balance work and play and kids and meals and house and yard and garden and friends and husbands and birthday presents and dirt is just too much sometimes.  my phone is a huge time-saver and the bane of my existence.  goodbye huckleberry and river and hello emails and texts.  here we go. two more weeks...

heads i win, tails you lose

summer is flying by...and i know this because brad just told me football practice starts this weekend.  this is big news.  it means the official start of college football season is single-digit weeks away.  our tv has been off for months and in four weeks it will be glowing with ultra-important football news.  brad is really passionate about football.  i tried am trying will try to get excited about football.  i want brad to enjoy football but i hate the time and money wasted on a game that brings wealth to jerks, injuries to players and heartache to my husband.  i want to have it my way.

i want lettuce from my garden but i don't want to wash it.  i want to hike with stimson but i don't want to tell a story.  i want merritt to grow up but not get older. i want to get my work done but i don't want any problems.  i want cooler days but i don't want summer to be over.  i want to camp but i want to eat vegetables.  i want to sit down and read a book but i want to have my house organized for the next day.  i want to cook but i don't want to clean up.  i want to have a glass of wine but i want to have a good run in the morning.  i want to adopt a baby but i want it to happen now and at the right age and i want it to be easy and i want to have no problems and i want it to be free.  i want the other side of the coin.  oh how easy to wish for tails when you get heads.

on the adoption front- NOTHING is happening. except for the passage of time.  (which is something i guess) it almost feels like it did when we were wanting/hoping/trying to get pregnant and it wasn't happening.  we were trying to plan our lives around an event that we dreamed about but had no basis in reality.  somehow you have to make daily decisions- big and small, even though our lives could change at any moment.  should i take this new job?  should we plan a vacation?  should we spend money on travel?  do we need a car that can fit three car seats?  do we need bunk beds?  should we be getting vaccinations?  should we be talking and planning about things that we have no idea about?  should we even be thinking about the future?  should i get rid of our old baby clothes?  how much to keep?  3 month size?  6 month?  girl? boy?

our kids are getting bigger and we are getting older and we have no news to report about new babies.
but we do have other big news:  stimson climbed his first mountain last week.

and merritt sat in the bus seat by herself!