good mom

i dropped merritt off at daycare this morning as i have done for the past three months.  she didn't cry.  she didn't start playing. she didn't wave. she didn't protest.  she has done all of those other days, but today she just stared at me.  i closed the door and started to leave and she kept staring through the window.  what is she thinking???? betrayal:  how could you leave me? confusion: why do i keep coming to this place? tolerance: i hate it here but i know you will come back in a few hours. disgust: i will be coming home in a few hours and i will be bringing home more germs with me, different than the ones I brought home on Monday.

i have so much work to do but some days i wonder if i should be working.  mom guilt is thick and heavy and it sticks to everything.  syrup.  this afternoon i stopped doing all the things that need to be done to play with my kids, but it never feels like enough- for me or for them.  and there is always so much other stuff to do.  and why do we have to eat every single day?  three times a day!!! there is always another meal to start working on.  should we stay at the park longer? of course; it is so nice out.  but then dinner will be late and the rest of the evening will disintegrate. i get annoyed at all "those" mom who can make dinner at eight in the morning.  there is something wrong about chopping onions while you are still drinking coffee.  but while we are playing at the park i was wishing i had something already cooking in the oven.  constant decisions and choices, and i always make the wrong one.  there is so much guilt and regret and should/could/would haves in hindsight.

i'm working on going to bed and getting up the next day with no regrets of what should have been done or could have been done differently the day before.  but how do you do that when you work from  home and your work is sitting there, undone and lying there just around the corner, calling my name in the darkness.  kaaaaaaaattttttttteeeeeeeeeeee, come get me.  you know this person is frustrated that their taxes aren't done yet. kaaaateeeeeeeeeeee, how could you be so selfish as to sleep when you haven't finished this yet?

working at home (and trying to act professional), i feel like i need to be on call 24 hours a day.  of course, i also feel like i need to be mom 24 hours a day.  being an accountant i know that equals 48 hours in one day. which doesn't work out so well on a daily basis.  i try to have boundaries and definition as to when it is work time and when it is mom time, but it is so blurred.  that's probably a discussion for another day...
three more weeks until april 15th!

Grants

The adoption process continues to move forward slowly.  A couple of days ago, we were able to check 'fingerprinting' off the list of tasks that move us one step closer to adopting.  We drove 3 hours in between my meetings and Katy's tax returns.  Why not...Katy's mom is in town and 3 hours without kids demanding food (app-le, app-le, app-le from a certain daughter of ours), a toy, or screaming simply because she has been in her car seat more than 5 minutes (Merritt) is very peaceful.  Not to mention, Katy figured out a way to do taxes in the car....talk about fun times.  Katy is now considering doing taxes in the garage with her taxes spread out on the dashboard.  It is very quiet in the car.  The whole process of fingerprinting took us about 10 minutes.  Five of those minutes were spent going through security (picture airport security) to make sure we....well, I'm not sure what the security check was for??  Another minute to use the restroom in our 10 minute pit stop.  Two minutes to fill out a form with two government employees watching us, mostly because they didn't have anything else to do and 1 minute each for us to both get fingerprinted.  We both left wondering if it would be possible for one person to do all of those tasks...probably another topic of discussion that each of you can ponder yourself regarding some government jobs.  Regardless, we finished the task and now get to wait until we have official approval for adoption....one step closer to being on a waiting list for our referral (child).

The next item on our list - applying for grants.  That would be a task that falls on me.....or maybe I could blog and put off applying for grants.  After all, I have been delinquent in maintaining our blog.  Heck, my wife posted 3 long blogs...and that is while I'm fulfilling my new domestic role of cleaning the house, doing dishes, washing clothes, etc...while she does taxes.  Or is she doing taxes?  Either way, it is probably time for me to blog more so my wife can focus on taxes and make time for eating and sleeping.  It is March Madness...what better to do during halftime of the madness than to blog.    

Adding a child from the Congo to our family still seems like a long way way.  The process still seems slow, but when I consider how long we have been thinking about making this happen, the recent events of submitting our dossier and now waiting to get on the waiting list makes it seem like we are on the brink.  I plan to tell more about the process we went through to get to the point of deciding to adopt.  That will come soon...but for now I better make sure my basketball bracket is still intact and I should start the grant process.

second chances

last week i brought stimson to the dentist.  it went well, his teeth were fine. blah blah blah.  but the dentist did ask him if he brushed his teeth at night and in the morning.  stimson, being the literal five-year old that he is (otherwise known as honest) said no.  my response would have been sometimes he brushes his teeth in the morning.  like most other people on the planet, mornings are usually pretty hectic trying to get out the door and there isn't a lot of time for non-essential tasks.  i am pretty picky about my own teeth and am literally (honestly?) terrified of the things that might go wrong inside my mouth.  i think i would rather pull off my fingernails watch a basketball game than have a root canal.  but stimson is five and has all his innocent, sparkling, white baby teeth.  bottom line- if we are really honest about this, he is going to get a second chance at keeping his teeth perfect.  my goal and intention is to brush morning and night every day, religiously, regularly, and routinely especially after the practice teeth are gone and the real set comes in.

but not stimson.  the next morning he got up, made his bed, and went straight into the bathroom to brush his teeth.  all before i even saw him that morning.  he didn't come downstairs boasting of his accomplishments either.  he just did it, matter-of-factly.  the dentist told him to brush his teeth; so that is what he did.  stimson listens and respects authority and doesn't question what those authorities tell him to do. obviously, this should have made me proud of him, and i was... but i immediately thought of merritt. she has never and will never operate like that.  if a dentist (or a parent or a doctor or her own mom) told her she should brush her teeth morning and night, she would not only not do it, she would probably stop altogether.  now, i realize she is only one and a half, but i can tell this about her already.  if i say go, merritt stops.  if i say right, merritt goes left.  she eats from her hand, not from my spoon.  i say you'll like it, she says yuck. stimson eagerly ate plain, pureed spinach.  merritt needs to have hers hidden in a smoothie and a bow tied around the glass.

so all of this has got me thinking that most likely our adopted child will fall into the middle of these two personalities, which is probably so far from reality and rather naive.  of course, the child could be similar to merritt or stimson in some ways.  however, since i have just two kids right now, i have just two categories.  in all actuality, this new-to-us child will be a third category that is yet undefined and unknown and it will be fun and exciting and challenging to find out.  i just hope they want to brush their teeth a lot and they like smoothies.

Fingerprinting!

As an update to Katy's last post, we are now scheduled to get fingerprinted!  We are one step closer to getting on a list to await our referral.  I am happy, but this is not where I go deep and share any more feelings than that.  Stay tuned...it will happen.  I hope to share more soon about our path to adoption.

waiting...

waiting... to get a fingerprinting appointment at an "immigration-approved" office.  that would be helena, montana.  after our fingerprints prove that we are who we say we are then we can officially get on a waiting list for a child.  so more waiting.  meanwhile, working on taxes as fast as i can.  tax time is busy but kids are busier.  i sit my sweet (i can say that because we are related) merritt on the potty and turn around so she can concentrate on the task at hand.  she is distracted very quickly and easily so i try to give her some privacy and quiet.  no luck- i hear her lifting the toilet handle up and down, up and down.  i look in at her and she has completely turned around and has one foot in the toilet.  great.  it must be naptime, right? please?

i am trying to finish a tax return right now but i am having a hard time concentrating.  both kids were up a lot last night- bad dreams, teething, more bad dreams, more teeth, missing mom, wanting to play, etc. surely having a third child will make nights like that nonexistent.  undoubtedly.

merritt has figured out how to throw fits and tantrums quite well already.  (that's my girl!) when stimson did that at a young age i was devastated and embarrassed and wondered how i could already be failing so miserably as a parent.  when merritt rolled around on the floor at the grocery store crying and throwing a fit i took a picture.  must be a second child.

stimson is excited about getting a new brother or sister.  naturally, he is hoping for a brother.  i think he is most excited about the prospect of getting a bunk bed.  there will be more changes for him than just his sleeping arrangements, but at least he has the right perspective.

ok back to taxes and waiting for fingerprinting appointments...
i will try to get brad to write at some point.  he likes to publicly talk about his feelings.  as do all men.

p.s. a few people have told us they actually read this! hello sarah, becca, robyn, becky, and of course, my mom.

dossier!

sometimes i wish i had time to write.  i write in my head (talk to myself?) all the time. constantly.  but if i were to sit at my computer to write i would get a kid or two in my lap and they would be "helping" a great deal. merritt is so busy these days.  all kids are busy i guess but merritt is busy with chaos.  stimson is orderly and obedient; agreeable and amenable.  merritt is stubborn, willful, and a lover of chaos.  she goes the opposite of where we need to go and does the opposite of what we need to do.  

in other news: we finally got all our dossier documents together.  we mailed them last week.  i had spent that morning running around town gathering the final documents, making copies, running to fedex, grabbing coffee to stay awake on the drive to the post office, tossing toys to the back seat (merritt hates riding in the car).  i finally pulled up to the post office with my over-tired and over-hungry 17-month old.  i was frantically trying to get organized and saw that my groceries had tipped over.  and of course my lunch that included bright red beets and alfalfa sprouts had spilled all over the grocery bag and floor.  i frantically tried to throw all my official documents and copies together in an envelope (sans beets and sprouts and salad dressing) so we could run into the post office and quickly mail it and head home.  my heart sank as we walked in.  nothing tragic, papers still in hand, weather fine, remembered address and envelope.  no, it was much worse than that... there were at least 20 people standing in line.  waiting.  and those 20 people did not have a 1 1/2 year old.  i felt like asking to go to the front since i was mailing worthy and important documents and had a small baby that was practically crying.  i didn't.  maybe next time. wouldn't that be gutsy? 

so in we trudge. (i trudge, merritt explores)  i still have all my papers in a messy pile but now i realize i have plenty of time to get them organized.  i begin my task while merritt begins dismantling the post office waiting area.  first the cards go on the floor one by one. i put one paper in my pile, pick up three cards, one more in, pick up five more cards.  then she moves on to the change of address documents.  out they come and on to the floor.  not even one by one this time.  they are all over.  i quit working on my dossier and desperately search the crowd for a distraction.  it comes in right behind us in the form of a four-year old girl.  would you like to play with my daughter?  Please? Please?  i will pay you so much money if you can occupy her for five minutes.  well none of that was spoken out loud but merritt did pay a little attention to this girl.  long enough for her mom to ask me if we were adopting from the looks of our papers.  i said yes and she said they were too.  (really?)  she said where from?  i said congo. she said, us too.  (REALLY?)  they were much further along in their adoption process and were just about to go pick up their child from the congo.  exciting!  we had a little time to ask a few questions and i felt much calmer.  stuffed everything in, sealed it, mailed it and the postman took it from my arms and said, "next".  it was such a strange feeling to me to think i had just done something that would probably change our lives forever and he just handed me my receipt and said, "next".