to be honest...

i'm really scared.  of snakes. and of adopting.  i am scared of all the unknowns, all the risk, all the money, all the time, and all kinds of inconsequential and silly things.  i'm so scared it will be different, it will feel different, i will parent different, i will be different.  i'm scared of getting too old while we are waiting for this to happen and that i won't be able to keep up with all the juggling and activity that is required for being a mom.  i'm really scared i won't naturally love a new child in the same way i love my biological children.  i'm scared it will take a lot of work and effort to make myself love a new and mysterious strange little child.  i'm scared to travel.  i'm scared i am annoying whoever is reading this because i keep repeating the word scared.  i am scared of the congo.  i am scared they won't have lettuce there and i really like lettuce.  i'm scared my lettuce won't make it through customs and i will have to smuggle it into the country when we go.  i'm scared they will have snakes there.

and what if i can't do the baby thing again?  i would not be sad to be done potty training anyone for the rest of my life  or to be done feeding them mysterious, mushy things with one hand and feeding myself with the other.  i kind of like being able to dump a bunch of food on a plate- deconstructed (stimson) or dissected (merritt) or wrapped in a tortilla (brad) or dumped on some lettuce (me) and knowing we are all eating relatively the same thing at the same time, put into our own mouths by our own hands.  i'm not sure i want to go back to the helplessly fed mystery puree.  i am ok with high chairs though, at least the ones with buckles and straps and belts and padlocks.  i kind of wish we could use those until age 10.

we are in a waiting and wondering and hoping stage.  and looking for high chairs with better straps.  and avoiding snakes.  and stocking up on lettuce.